This Is Me

So last night I was listening to music (probably Ke$ha) and I thought "I'm tired of this." I don't like being the person I am in real life. I'm quite fond of the person I am in my head, but the person everyone else sees? Everyone else sees something like this:

This girl is a nice girl. She always seems to do everything exactly right, tries to pretend to be perfect, smiles when she feels like punching people, tries not to say mean things about people behind their backs.

Well that's over, starting now.

I'm going to Paul Mitchell the School. I have a roommate (N) who is annoying. I'm nice to her because I guess it's not her fault she's annoying. I'd move out but it's student housing and I have a lease until November. So I put up with her trying to tell me what to do (I'd say "be my mom," but my mom doesn't tell me what to do). Our third roommate just moved out, so N laid claim to all the food she left behind. And no surprise there, since she's three inches taller than me (I'm 5'8") and at least 175 lbs heavier.

I should probably say "Oh well she has PCOS, so it's hard for her to lose weight." Yeah well considering the size of the rest of her family, she'd probably still be that weight anyway. She tried HCG, lost some, but then got sick and went off it. She's sick all the time.

The roommate also left clothes behind which N couldn't claim because she's a size 24 and the old roommate is a size 2.

I'm tired of being the nice girl, that's why I'm doing this.

I'm also tired of being the chubby girl. I've known for awhile that I'm fat, but last night it just really hit me. I have all these rolls of fat and it's gross and, well, I won't do that anymore. I was going to try to lose it "the healthy way" by figuring out BMR and just cutting out a few hundred calories and slowly get down to a nice and healthy weight.

Well I don't feel like it. I'm a size 11/13. At 184.6 lbs and 35.5% body fat, my ideal weight should not be below 149 lbs (at that weight, I'd have 20% body fat and the Fat2Fit people say that women should not go below that. Well I don't want people telling me how much I can weigh. So when I get back from IBS Las Vegas this weekend, I'll start my diet. Between 1,200 and 1,600 calories per day and as much exercise as I can fit in every day (I already walk 3 miles most days, but I want to do more). And I'll just keep going until I get to a size 3/5.